I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
