$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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