girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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