why didn't you poke me back
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
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I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
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If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts