You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
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Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.