So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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