I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
