If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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