Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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