i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
