I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
