theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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