Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
