You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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