I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
