Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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