hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
