toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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