She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
