I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
