ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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