Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
