My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm passing your future prison.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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