I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
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He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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