I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
