Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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