you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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