i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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