the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
