just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The beer is more important than you right now.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
