last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
