When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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