On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
worst night to have a conscience
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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