The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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