Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I could make wine with my vomit
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
