Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
