there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
