I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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