sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
