I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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