i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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