I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
