I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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