life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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