a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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