My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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