When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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