Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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