Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
someone threw a dead crab at me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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