mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize