We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
