chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
