His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
