Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
